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Eyes For You
Summary Olan tells the story about a rivalry with his best friend, Steven Henry. A link to the video is here Actors * Olan Rogers Transcript Can I get something off my chesticles? There was a time that I was trapped in a vicious love triangle with my best friend, Steven Henry. I should have known. I should have known. Guy had two first names, and he had bug eyes. He looked like he was… something was happening. He looked like, uh, Jon Snow from, ah, from Game of Thrones, except without the Jon. So… just Snow. Pretty much a White Walker. Imagine a White Walker. He was pale. I think I’m just trying to say that he was pale. We both shared eyes for the same Spanish lass. Her name was, uh… her name was Christina Meyers, and she was muy bueno super spicy, which, of course, is Spanish for “hot.” I remember the moment we both found out that we liked the same m’lady, was we were at a sleepover. I was at his house, and I had like the freaking fitted sheet and a couch cushion, ‘cause they didn’t have anything for his friend, and I was covered in Cheeto crumbs… not because of him, but ‘cause I was addicted to the orange dust dragon. Eh, eh, but, you know what, I’m ten years clean. I’m lying! I’ve touched Cheeto. It’s just so gosh dang good! The jalapeños are flaming hot. Why must you taunt me, Chester Cheeto? You eat one, you eat the whole bag. Shame: dusty orange shame. So I’m at the sleepover, and we’re talking, late night talk, late night boys gossip talk. I let him know who I have eyes for. I say, “hey I, I think Christina Meyers is pretty hot.” So he just *phshh* pops up out of bed. It was- he popped up very aggressively, and he had a bag on the bed; so *pkhshh* so he was shaking the bag while he got up *shkh pshhhh* he, the, I don’t know why he had the bag. He was shaking the bag. He got up *pkshhh*He just got up out of bed. More like *pop*. He looks over at me, bug eyes blaring, and he just kind of says… “No.” And that was the moment we became blood enemies. It was on, to capture the eyes of a fair lady. And, uh, this one day at the cafeteria, I was just, I was on the game. It was me and Christina Meyers. We were sitting next to each other. I had this minty fresh polo shirt. My mom picked it out for me. I was getting compliments all day. They were like, “You’re looking good. You looking geewd… You lookin’ geeewd, O.” She was sitting next to me in the cafeteria, and we were sharing the best dang chicken tenders. I thought this was it. I thought “game over” right? Collect your trophy and medal, young sir. And that was the moment that Steven Henry came out of the cafeteria and, uh, tripped “trip” “TRIP” with a opened, uh, thing of chocolate milk. So he spills this chocolate milk all over my minty fresh polo! It looked like I had explosive diarrhea, and my butt was against the wall and it shot back up on to my minty fresh polo. I was going to get my freaking revenge. I took me a few months, but I came up with a plan. This plan was so genius, so downright devastating! I was going to take a thermos of red Kool-Aid, and I was gonna… dump it on him. I know. I know. I know! It was lame. It was so gosh dang lame. I can’t make this sound cool. I was just gon’ dump the dang Kool-Aid in his face, okay? We were going on a field trip to the zoo. So the day of the field trip, I bring a, uh, sack lunch. PB&J, Ruffles, kay? Can’t go wrong. I also had a massive thermos of Kool-Aid. We get to the zoo. I, I cannot believe what a hot day it is. It’s a scorcher. All I brought was the thermos full of cherry Kool-Aid, which my mom made, and when my mom makes Kool-Aid she puts usually about five to six, uh, uh, pounds of sugar in the Kool-Aid. And with the heat and the thermos and it sitting out in the sun, things were happening. Things were… congealing, mutating. I had nothing else to drink; so throughout the whole day I’m taking sips. And I was so mystified by the giraffes and rhinos and birds and… the three-legged minotaur that I didn’t exact my revenge. So after the day is done, and we get back on the bus, I sit in front of Steven Henry. The teacher gets up, Mrs. Farmer. She goes out of the bus, and she goes to talk to the, to the zoo instructor that kind of showed us around. And I’m realizing that this is my moment. So I get up on the seat. I kneel on the cushion, and I slowly raise up, and I’m staring at Steven. I’m staring right into Stevens freaking fat jiggly eyes. I spin the top off. The bus driver was not looking. The only person that had eyes on me was Steven Henry and a gardener in the tree, okay? He was trimming the tree. He was in the tree. He had a perfect vantage point into the bus. He didn’t look like he spoke English. So I thought, “There’s no way this guy can, uh, rat me out. You know? So… let’s do this.” I get ready to say the words there were going to freakin’ just, just hit it home that he, do- should not have messed with me. I hold it up, and I say… nothing… not a word… because a stream, a projectile stream of red matter comes shooting out of my mouth, and hits Steven Henry right in the freaking face. I rocked off the cushion, ‘cause it was so freaking powerful. HURURUUUHHHH!! It’s like a freakin’ Mega Man blaster full of “Oh Yeah!” So the bus driver’s chilling, and he starts hearing “Ahhh!” “Aeee!” “Aah!” and he looks up, and he sees me going full mouth Super Saiyan into freaking Steven Henry’s face. And if it couldn’t get any worse, the gardener in the dang tree starts screaming like, like he has seen evil. He starts to scream, “El Diablo! El Diablo!! El Diablo!” He thought I was possessed… by the Devil ‘cause I was throwing up with such ferocity, so much red! Needless to say, Christina didn’t have eyes for me anymore. Um, she ended up moving back to Spain. Now I’m going to end this video with, um…